If months have passed since the last family visit, it may be surprising what changes have occurred in your parent’s behavior if he or she has Alzheimer’s or another memory disorder. Depending on the stage, your parent may not want to participate in some of the traditional activities because it makes him tired or because the noise and bustle are disconcerting.
You too may be frustrated when your parent is forgetful or difficult. You may also feel grief over the change in the person you know. While this can be a trying time, it is still possible to salvage this time together, by knowing what to expect and by being flexible.
Understand the Stages of Alzheimer’s
The Alzheimer's Association (www.alz.org) outlines the seven generally accepted stages of the disease. While this is not a hard and fast definition, it helps to understand that when Mom packs her suitcase to go home at the end of each day (even though she already is home), it’s called sundowning, and it's normal. It also is helpful to explain to kids why Grandpa keeps asking: “how’s school?” even though the question has been answered a dozen times.
Keep Visits Simple
Particularly in the early stages of the disease, people with Alzheimer’s struggle to make sense of details, and become frustrated when they cannot. Keep holiday traditions simple. Instead of planning a whole day of shopping with Mom at a busy mall, instead go for coffee or tea at a quiet bakery. Instead of a fabulously expensive gift, your parent may prefer your help around the house. Making sure the appliances are in working order, the clothes are laundered and put away and the refrigerator is stocked may be more useful than a gift-wrapped present.
Adapt to Your Parent's Needs
In her Parade Magazine article, "Caring for a Loved One," writer Alix Kates Shulman recounts her struggles after her husband, Scott, suffered a traumatic brain injury. Like many early stage Alzheimer's patients, his short-term memory is affected, and he has difficulty following the plot of a movie. Shulman says she uses her imagination to adapt her behaviors to what her husband needs.
“I read Scott poems that are short enough to understand,” she says. “When his boredom or frustration threatens to erupt, I put on music, and we dance.”
Be There
If a parent is no longer able to interact or recognize loved ones, it may be hard to know how to make the visit meaningful. Eric Hall, president and CEO of Alzheimer’s Foundation of America said that the most important thing is to continue to communicate with the parent. Speak simply, he recently told CNN.com in the article " What to do when Mom or Dad doesn't recognize you.". Use simple sentences, speak slowly and let your body language convey your positive emotions.
Be Forgiving
Know that it’s not possible to be constantly in the moment, and that sometimes chaos erupts without your planning or permission. You and your parent will likely get frustrated. While he may forget the incident quickly, you may need to take a moment to get your bearings. Forgive yourself for losing your temper and give yourself time to move on.
By understanding the nature of the disease and adjusting your expectations, you’ll have more room for stockpiling memories for both of you.
Pamela DeLoatch - Four kids, three schools, a bazillion sports, a growing writing career, a messy house and 90,000 miles on my four-year-old van. Need I say ...
